Paul, thank you for reminding me.

This weekend was filled with ups and downs, Friday night was depressing. I spent it at home balling my eyes out as i was freaking out on how everything seemed so hard. Everything was catching up on me,

-how hard it was to keep smiling
-uni is really like SO hard
-homesick
-need to sort so many things out as mentioned on my previous blog.
-how desperately i am to look for true good friends which i can talk to like u freaks.(because i know it is impossible to find a lot like you ppl)

I fell asleep on a wet pillow on Friday night, on Saturday i spent it trying to understand biometrics and by the time it was 10 i gave up feeling sorry about myself and decided to call some friends and head out for the night to make myself feel better, weak attempt i know. and for those that didnt know, since i lost my phone on Wednesday, that just magnified my emotions by ten cause i had no way of contacting anyone. As i met up with my friends, he told me that his friend found a phone on a bar earlier that night. all pride aside, i was really tempted to just take that phone and throw the sim card away as im short of cash and i really, like REALLY needed a phone. But after a fattening meal at mac D i came to my senses and decided to return the phone as i know how it feels loosing all my contacts and a 2000 dollar phone. i switched on the phone and decided to dial the first number i saw in the msg inbox. DAN LEE. we made arrangements to meet on sunday in a pub so i can return the phone to his best friend Louise. they were both irish and a brilliant bunch. that evening turned out wonderful and we were talking till about 7 at night and headed over to the closest night club birdy num nums as we were invited. i was supposed to meet Eamon that day, so they invited him over as well. we had a couple pints and headed back soon after. spent sunday with Eamon and we had the company of a really adorable dog. her name was bonnie, and for an instant there, all the dispute between me and Eamon just seemed like nothing but laughter as we both shared the brilliant company of a wonderful dog. so people, i DO recommend PET therapy. if Eamon's ever reading this. thank you for a wonderful night and i do appreciate all that you have done for me.

As i was heading home from eamons, i wasnt at all impressed as we had a planned weekend but things just didnt work out to the was it was supposed to. heading to or from eamons has always been a painfully long journey especially when u dont have your own transportation. so still very unhappy and cursing everything that went wrong each step i took, i boarded a ferry which was a final stop of my 1.30 hour journey. before i exited, the ferry master named paul stopped me and asked for my name. i have always been friendly with him like everyone else as we see each other everyday, it would be a simple hello or a nod of acknowledgment. this particular journey, as i was already having a hard time. he stopped me and asked for my name, being negative i thought "oh fuck what did i do this time? another fine? " he said, "hello young lady, whats your name?" as i mentioned my name i was feeling curious. he took out a little brown book with golden rim. aah! he just wanted my number, and with a sigh of relieve i looked at him and smiled. " how do u spell your name?" he wrote

'To, CELYSCE, i hope u enjoy yourself, Paul Kingston'

As he handed the book over to me he said "Celysce ,thank you for being so friendly, after a long day on the ferry with other grumpy and unfriendly passengers, a simple smile like yours or a hello makes a difference."

When i heard him say that, i will only attempt to describe how i felt. im not gonna try to hide this, australia can be a very warm and also a very unfriendly place. walking down the main st in the city. for numerous times i have been pointed at and called chinese takeaway or 'you fucking asians just dont know where you belong.' some people think this is funny. obviously its a very weird sense of humour which i dont understand. racist jokes does not bother me as i know its a joke, a friendly way of sharing a laugh. but when a joke is made on MY account. i do NOT appreciate it, especially when its not even meant to be a friendly joke at all. as down as i was already feeling, i was beginning to think, what is the point of being nice when u do not get anything in return? moreover, people take advantage of you being nice and all they do is just fuck you over as soon as their done using you? slowly but surely i was really loosing hope. it was hard to keep smiling or to be friendly as the numerous failed attempt and that has just left a foul taste in my mouth. but paul (the ferry masters name), although it was just a very simple gesture, it made me feel the difference, it gave me hope. THERE ARE STILL NICE PEOPLE OUT THERE. when my faith on man kind was thin, he came around, a friendly reminder that its not that bad after all,i thought to myselt 'just keep smiling it will pay off one day.' You dont have to do much to make a difference in someones life, so i still believe now, that a simple smile or a polite gesture makes a difference. its like the ripple effect. by the time i entered my very small apartment, i realized that things arent so bad, so what if eamon could have dinner or watch a movie with me tonight, we had a good night on sundayand there will always be a next time.

As i opened the book i first thought it was like a small diary or something, but i soon found out that he was a retired man and through his experiences he had started composing poems and published a small booklet of his compiled work. what im trying to say is, it could be so hard sometimes to believe in what u used to believe in because of the situation you are in or just because of the chain of unfortunate events. the saying that has kept me through thick and thin and still smiling was, everything happens for a reason. a better cause. i was beginning to think that was bullshit since nothing was going right and my faith on that saying was challenged, but all thanks to paul, celysce is still smiling and hoping to make a difference in others, like his simple gesture made a difference in my life. for all you know, you might be the reason someone else is still smiling out there, so let the ripple effect begin.

p/s: i dont know if this is making sense to you. but thats my best attempt of trying to explain how im feeling.

not a creep,
pei lu / celysce / bilis / pei ling